Passive Communication Style—Examples, Definition, and Meaning

It’s Friday evening and your accomplice asks you the place you wish to go for dinner. There’s a brand new Italian spot you wish to try, however you reply, “You decide,” hoping that your SO will know to recommend it. As an alternative, you find yourself going to their favourite restaurant, which you dislike, begrudgingly. Sound acquainted? In that case, it’s possible you’ll be relying too closely on a passive communication type to precise your desires and desires.

Passive communication is one in every of 4 sorts of communication kinds, together with aggressive communication, passive-aggressive communication, and assertive communication, as supported by a 2021 research¹ on main college kids. The least assertive of the communication kinds, passive communication stems from a want to prioritize the emotions of others over your individual. Usually a product of social nervousness, passive communication can appear to be being oblique together with your wishes, permitting different folks to speak you out of what you need with little pushback, and being apologetic about your desires.

Whereas passive communicators might take up this communication type as a protection mechanism or to placate others of their lives, it might have the other impact, leaving others confused, irritated, and even offended. Most significantly, speaking completely in a passive method restricts you from totally expressing your desires and desires. So, in the case of constructing sturdy relationships, passive communication is fairly ineffective, however how do you cease speaking passively with others?

We spoke with specialists to piece collectively a complete information to passive communication, together with its definition, causes and results, indicators you is likely to be a passive communicator, and the best way to take care of a passive communication type in your self or others.

What’s passive communication?

Put merely, passive communication is a kind of communication through which somebody develops a sample of withholding their opinions, wants, and values to keep away from confrontation or difficult conversations. “Passive communication dances round what you actually imply,” says Tara Alexander, PhD, LCSW, and CEO of Conquer Battle. “As an alternative of attending to the purpose, an individual tries to cover or soften the reality by way of their phrases, actions, or physique language.”

“Regardless of somebody’s efforts to grasp us, we’re more likely to really feel unseen and unheard, as a result of nobody can see or hear issues we didn’t say.” —Sara Kuburic, existential psychotherapist

Extra direct types of communication embody assertive communication, which is respectful of others’ ideas, emotions, and limits, and aggressive communication, which is direct and “tramples” the others’ emotions, says Dr. Alexander. Examples of aggressive communication embody tense physique language—crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, and so on.— and should even embody shouting or bodily abuse. This communication type is supposed to intimidate the opposite individual into seeing your standpoint. Assertive communication, then again, entails loads of eye contact and relaxed bodily actions that make the opposite individual really feel seen and understood. This kind of communication goals to prioritize directness, honesty, and respect in successfully asserting your wants and wishes with one other individual.

Lastly, passive-aggressive communication combines components of each of its namesake communication kinds. “Passive-aggressive communication is probably the most troublesome [to understand], in my skilled opinion,” says Dr. Alexander. “It’s communication through which folks categorical their feelings by not doing one thing, due to this fact they will deny it.” Widespread examples of passive-aggressive habits embody delivering backhanded compliments, utilizing merciless jokes or sarcasm to make others really feel small, giving somebody the silent remedy, not directly refusing requests, and outright ignoring somebody after they’ve requested you to do one thing or try to speak to you. This may appear to be “forgetting” to reply a textual content or strolling in the wrong way each time somebody tries to strategy you at a celebration.

What are examples of passive communication?

In the event you have a tendency to put others’ wants over your individual, you’ll have a behavior of passive communication. “The passive communicator typically values exterior concord above inner concord,” says therapist Dea Dean, LPC, LMFT. “They typically defer to others, internalize their emotions and needs, and neglect their very own wishes to be heard, attuned to, or understood.”

In response to Dr. Alexander and Dean, some examples of what passive communication can appear to be embody:

1. Not telling somebody once you’re upset

In case your roommate didn’t comply with by way of on taking out the trash, you may settle for their “pushback” for why they didn’t bear in mind—”I didn’t really feel prefer it”—with out expressing your individual experiences or emotions. Your suppressed anger or frustration may trigger you to be much less responsive when your roommate tries to have an off-the-cuff dialog with you later within the day, which can paint an image of you as a moody individual of their thoughts since, so far as they’re conscious, you haven’t any purpose to be upset with them.

2. Giving into what another person desires to do though it’s not one thing you’re occupied with doing

This may appear to be going to the films together with your accomplice for the third time in a month though you’d a lot moderately go for a hike or have a picnic on the seashore. Relatively than inform your accomplice you wish to shake up your date nights, you maintain it in to keep away from upsetting them or moving into an argument.

3. Not taking a stand

As a passive communicator, you may reply with a obscure hum when a pal dismisses your opinion, though you actually wish to inform them how strongly you disagree with their standpoint.

4. Attempting to look small

Bodily, passive communicators will tackle a closed posture, with their arms closed, head down, eyes down, torso turned sideways, or legs crossed.

5. Not telling the entire fact

This may appear to be you telling your accomplice you’re “joyful to make dinner” after they instantly invite their pals over. In relation, although, you have been wanting ahead to having fun with a home-cooked meal alone with them.

6. Complaining about conditions however by no means asking for particular assist

You’re lugging the newest grocery haul into your home when your roommate or accomplice seems to be up from the place they’re watching their favourite TV present on the sofa solely to be met with a “hey.” Regardless of how a lot huffing and puffing you do, they don’t provide to assist and also you’re caught unloading every little thing your self. Whilst you may assume your groans of annoyance are sufficient for them to get the trace, you set off asking them straight that will help you since you don’t wish to disturb them. This failure to speak might create rigidity and trigger resentment to construct when verbalizing your wants might have been a fast repair to this situation all alongside.

What causes an individual to be a passive communicator?

As talked about, individuals who favor a passive communication type are likely to prioritize retaining the peace with others over expressing their very own emotions. “They’re extra snug managing or ignoring their very own emotional dysregulation moderately than risking another person turning into upset with them,” says Dean. “It’s attainable that they’ve realized to guard themselves and keep away from emotional ache or battle by pleasing others, or they have been conditioned to worth sacrificing [their wants and needs] for the good thing about others.” If, over time, this habits was “rewarded” and the individual was capable of keep away from battle by implementing these conversational techniques, this could reinforce the passive communication type.

What are the professionals and cons of passive communication?

Not like aggressive communication, passive communication requires the individual speaking to be thoughtful of others’ emotions, which could be extremely useful in attempting to successfully get throughout one’s ideas and opinions. The downsides to utilizing a passive communication type, nonetheless, embody failing to totally categorical your wants, opinions, and values, which may go away you with resentment, harm, and frustration says Sara Kuburic, an existential psychotherapist and writer of It’s on Me.

“Regardless of somebody’s efforts to grasp us, we’re more likely to really feel unseen and unheard, as a result of nobody can see or hear issues we didn’t say,” says Kuburic of passive communication. In different phrases, our pals and family members aren’t thoughts readers and might’t guess what we’d like. So, as a lot as we would like for them to know what we’d like with out verbalizing it, we’re extra more likely to get what we would like if we’re capable of talk it to them straight. “There’s a chance that we’ll assemble a story about being a sufferer in a relationship as a result of our voice is just not being honored (even when we didn’t use it),” she provides.

A passive communication type also can restrict your capability for “clear, sincere, susceptible, and intimate relationships,” says Kuburic. So, when you’ve got a historical past of issue forming shut bonds and relationships, it might be that you simply’re withholding an excessive amount of of your self to really let different folks in. This may occasionally trigger the passive communicator to really feel lonely, remoted, and utterly misunderstood.

Along with being detrimental to your relationships, an completely passive communication type can show harmful within the office. For instance, if a healthcare skilled is anxious about an error however passively stays silent, it might hurt their affected person, as outlined in a 2023 assessment² revealed within the journal Medical Schooling. Right here, passive communication is ineffective and harmful, however there are some situations the place it may be helpful.

In fact, there may also be optimistic components to passive communication, says Dean. “It’s a stunning high quality to be accommodating, gracious, and understanding towards others; nonetheless, it will probably turn into an issue when there’s an imbalance in reciprocation,” she says. “The objective is to carry take care of others with the identical weight of take care of self.” So, in case you’re a passive communicator, your pals and family members doubtless worth that you simply take the time to think about their views and opinions, and that you simply exit of your method to accommodate their wants. It’s necessary to recollect, although, that we are able to’t please everybody and that one of the best ways to make sure everybody’s wants are met is by caring for our personal first.

How to answer a passive communicator

If you realize a passive communicator in your life, you may take steps to make it clear that you simply care about their opinions and desires with out shaming them for being hesitant to precise themselves. “To take care of a passive communicator, first allow them to know that you simply wish to know what they assume and really feel, and ask if they’re motivated to make these adjustments,” suggests Dr. Alexander. This may occasionally take a while since a passive communicator will naturally be reluctant to precise their ideas and feelings overtly. Make it clear that you simply’re coming from a non-judgmental place and wish to hear them out. Then, after they do open up, ask questions, be thoughtful, and keep away from being defensive, if attainable. “Mannequin assertive and type communication your self,” Dr. Alexander continues. “While you discover a passive assertion, ask them to pause and provides an assertive reply. They may should go to remedy or take a course in assertiveness.”

Learn how to overcome a passive communication type

Chances are you’ll not must overhaul your strategy to speaking in case you really feel prefer it isn’t hindering you. “The objective in relationships—whether or not they’re romantic, platonic, enterprise, or familial—is for there to be stability and reciprocity of care,” says Dean. “If somebody is of course passive, but nonetheless feels the liberty to precise their views, desires, feelings, or boundaries when it’s necessary to them, there is probably not a fantastic want for change.”

That mentioned, passive communication is a realized habits, and due to this fact it’s attainable to unlearn it, says Dr. Alexander. “Being an assertive communicator is a talent that may be taught,” she says. “Like several new talent, with observe, it is going to turn into computerized and easy.”

If you wish to unlearn your passive communication type, it might assist you observe verbalizing your desires and must others. “If a passive individual is persistently feeling terrified of being sincere or talking up for themselves with readability and compassion, it may benefit them to start working towards respectful assertiveness,” says Dean. “…An assertive individual demonstrates the willingness to take up emotional house by outwardly expressing their wants, desires, and feelings whereas exhibiting consideration of how these wants, desires, and feelings can influence others.”

Moreover, a psychological well being skilled may also help information you thru the method of turning into much less passive and extra assertive. It may be useful to obtain skilled assist in case you’re feeling harm and resentment because of your communication type, or in case you always have one-sided or unhealthy relationships the place your wants should not met regardless of your efforts to satisfy others’ wants, says Kuburic. Whereas it might really feel unnatural at first, studying the best way to straight talk your ideas and emotions with others will permit you to really feel seen and enhance the general high quality of your relationships.